5 Top Tips For Finding The Perfect Au Pair For Your Family
/The Pros & Cons of the Au Pair Program: My Top 5 Tips For Finding Your Perfect Au Pair
Finding childcare can at times feel like a nightmare. You are paying oodles of money for someone other than yourself to watch your most prized possession knowing that they will never do the job quite as well as you. When child care goes well, however, it is possible to find a solution that brings joy and love to your child. The right kind of caregiver can help your child grow and broaden their community of love and support. Before you register for daycare however I encourage you to consider the Au pair program. The Au pair program is just one child care solution that while not right for every family has been a great solution for my family since 2016. Having used the au pair program for our child care needs for 7 years (at the time of this post) I often get questions from patients and friends about my experience. This post will walk you through both my thoughts about the au pair program as well as my top tips for choosing the perfect au pair for your family. When you are ready to start searching for candidates, check out the agency I use… Cultural Care Au Pair… it’s one of the biggest.
How I Got Started With The Au Pair Program
Some people have an initial gut reaction that the au pair program is not possible for them saying things such as: “I could not have someone living in my home,” or “there is no way we could host an au pair because we dont have the space.” The truth is that sometimes you have to get creative to solve your problems. When I first registered for the au pair program I was living in a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom condo in Washington DC with my husband and our 1 and 3 year old children. We were utilizing a nanny and while very expensive it was going well. My problem was not finding child care, but an entirely different concern. I needed a third bedroom so my 1 year old would finally sleep through the night but I could not afford a larger home. My little guy refused to sleep more than 4 hours at a time when sharing a bedroom. So musical beds became a regular occurrence. After spending 6 months with the one year old alone in a bedroom (sleeping well) and my 3 year old and myself in the master bedroom (also sleeping well), my poor husband who had been sleeping on the couch declared enough was enough! Due to the cost of using a nanny in DC I came to the realization that we could spend more money on housing and less on childcare and our out of pocket costs would not change overall. Crazy, right? I could move to a home that fit our needs physically at night with space for an au pair and lower my childcare costs enough to make it work. So, we moved down the street to a townhome with a tiny 3rd bedroom and a basement that we converted to an au pair bedroom. My husband came back to our bedroom, we all got some sleep, and continued to have reliable child care for our kids. The move even came with a small backyard for the kids to play- a total bonus!
Our Amazing Au Pairs Over The Years!!
Each au pair has been unique and wonderful.
Santa, from Italy helped Benji learn to take the bottle when I went back to work and watched our older two when I went to the hospital to give birth. She brought joy and creativity to our home at a time we really needed it.
Yesica, from Columbia was our first au pair and loved our 2 children like they were her own family. Jonah is still her papacito and we are still very close. She was reliable and consistent with the kids while also being fun and creative.
Dani from Brazil, or as Benji would call her Deeee, was the big sister Siena always wanted, Benjis security blanket and so much more. Dani was pure love with the kids and they felt it.
Lucie from France has passed on a love of the French language, culture, and food to my kids. Siena is already asking if one day if she can go to France and be Lucie’s au pair. Lucie makes caring for three busy kids look easy. She is so inspired to learn about American culture and we are happy to share it with her.
Pros & Cons Of The Au Pair Program
The au pair program has its positive and negative elements but space and or cohabiting is generally lower on the list of concerns then you might imagine. Here are my Positives and Negatives of the Au Pair program.
Positives:
Affordable Option (depending where you live it can be an even bigger positive)
The price does not change even with additional kids
Because housing and food are provided by you the annual cost of an au pair is less than daycare and less than many nanny salaries
Childcare that feels like family
Having someone in your home allows for you to get to know the au pair in a way that it is more challenging to do with a person living outside of your home. Your au pair will come and go but share in moments both small and big that allow for conversations and sharing. Your kids will likely interact with their au pair not just during working hours - even if it's just a few minutes at a time.
Learning about a new culture and what that inherently teaches your kids
My kids have not just had the opportunity to taste foods from Columbia, Brazil, Italy, and France but they have learned that there are people outside of their local community that have traditions, cultural differences, and language to share. My kids get to celebrate differences on a daily basis. They become language teachers and simultaneously are excited to share their own traditions with each au pair we have had.
Lifelong friendships for your family
I always say that one day I am going on a world tour and going to visit all of our au pairs. It was not intentional but I happen to have selected au pairs from wonderful places that I would be incredibly lucky to visit one day. My 10 year old asked our au pair the other day if when she is 21 she could go to France to be her au pair. The exposure to adventure and curiosity that these young women have shared with my kids has been an amazing gift.
Flexibility & Convenience
There are restrictions on the amount and use of time you are able to have your au pair work but you can adjust as needed within those rules. Work schedule changes, canceled plans, sick kids, and the need for help at random or odd stretches of hours is no longer a deal breaker.
Negatives:
Turnover
Each au pair agrees to come to the United States for 12 months when they sign up for the program and then have the option to extend for either 6 or 9 or 12 months. Consistency in your care provider and the closeness of the bond is one of the benefits of having an au pair so when they leave it can feel tough for both the parents and the kids. Parents know they will have to go through the search process again and kids while resilient at times may struggle with the transitions. Each time we welcomed a new au pair ( we have had 5) there was about 3 months of strange behavior from the kids in our home. Kids don’t tell you how they are feeling, they just wake more at night or wet the bed, or fuss or cling more. Ultimately things would smooth out and my kids simultaneously learned an important lesson that even though the prior au pair was no longer living in our home she was still a part of our family.
When its bad its bad
We had one experience in which we had to match very quickly in order to ensure child care coverage for our family and in retrospect it was a big mistake. We brought an excited young woman to our home and we had not taken the suggestions that I will give you below. She was a sweet girl and excited to come to the US but she was not a good fit for our family. She was not able to deal with the challenges of child care in our home (we all have them), and I was ot able to give her the attention she required due to circumstances in our life at that time (I was in my first trimester of my third pregnancy and felt horrible). Her sadness and loneliness and struggles became too much and we mutually decided to rematch. My big takeaway here is that my gut told me when she first arrived that she was likely not a good fit but I was so scared of being without childcare that we tried to make it work longer than we should have.
A lengthy selection process
I am grateful that I met my husband in person, as in NOT online, as I now realize how challenging online dating must be. If you found your person online, amazing! But I am sure it was at times frustrating sifting through all of those profiles and wondering “where is s/he already?!” I equate finding an au pair to online dating. You may like her but she doesn't like you. She may like you but not as much as she likes the other family. You may match and talk to her for months and then 2 weeks before she comes to the USA she sends you an email saying she is pregnant and not coming…. Not that that happened to me or anything ; )
The process can feel slow and there will be both rejection and frustration. I joke with my husband that through the au pair search process I have been making friends ALLLL over the world these past 7 years. I have so many girl’s phone numbers saved in my phone/whatsapp and I have no idea what country they are from or when in the last 7 years I met them. The faster I accepted the process however the easier it was for me to move through it.
Tips For Finding Your Perfect Au Pair
In order to help with some of these search process challenges I am giving you my top tips for finding the perfect au pair for your kids. When sifting through profiles you must be both open minded and targeted in your search. Maybe you didn't imagine hosting an au pair with a tongue ring but she is perfect in every way that is significant to you. She may still be your girl! You are likely a busy person just by virtue of being a parent so you will want to use your time spent reviewing profiles and interviewing candidates wisely.
Top 5 Tips For Finding The Perfect Au Pair For Your Family
1. Decide what you REALLY need each time you select an au pair
Each au pair search I have done began with me considering the unique needs of my kids and the job outline at that specific time. Each time we have gone through this process our kids' needs have been unique. One year the priority was finding a candidate who could competently handle an unruly three year old, and another time we needed an au pair who could both skillfully and happily provide infant care while watching two other young kids. While driving was always required of our au pairs, it has become a higher priority recently to find someone who not only can safely drive but does not mind doing it all day long as our kids participate in activities and have meetups with friends. Set aside the obvious requirements like safety, and personality fit and be honest about the pain points in your home and who you could bring into the mix to help with those needs. Find the girl who both meets your needs AND is a good personality fit.
2. Learn how to read between the lines of a profile
Step 1: When you sift through a profile, consider the priorities you have set up and start there. If there are deal breakers filter those out first! For example, If you have three kids and the girl is only willing to watch 1 or 2 then she is not your girl. If she doesn't know how to drive and you need a driver then block her profile so it does not pop up in your search again.
Step 2: Now it's time to dig a little deeper and put on your detective hat. You have some important things to sleuth out before you set up an interview or request a connection. Big themes like: do they really like kids and what is their motivation to be part of the au pair program. Every au pair has their own unique motivations but some reasonable ones that I have seen include: learning english, curiosity in new cultures, stretching your wings while feeling safe in a family centered program, or professional advancement. Some additional motivations I have come across that may be red flags include: wanting to get out of your hometown due to lack of options, having just broken up with a partner and looking for what's next, simply wanting to travel or wanting to go to a specific place to be with a friend or partner. I am not placing judgment on these reasons but it was important to my family to make sure that this was not our au pairs primary motivation. We wanted to know that each girl understood that providing childcare was the main part of the experience and would be ok with that. Travel, independence, freedom, options, maturity are all important parts of what the girls gain in the program but it is primarily a child care job and you have to like kids to be happy doing the work.
Step 3: Lastly, if you are getting close to requesting a connection with a candidate then you need to consider what is being said without being said. If a girl has had her license for several years but the car that she drives is her uncle's car and she drives once a week… she may not be as skilled of a driver as the person with their own car. The person living in an urban area may not drive as much as the person who lives in a rural area. Depending on your needs this may be more or less important to you but I would suggest that you direct your questions for the candidate with this in mind. You may have your suspicions based on her profile and then target your questions to better understand her driving abilities.
Similarly, if a candidate has only ever cared for babies she may not be comfortable or want to work with older kids and vice versa. I would look for wording in her profile and experiences that suggests her understanding of the needs of your kids' age groups. I think you can also tell a bit about the open mindedness of a person from their responses. It is important to me that our au pairs are open and accepting of all people as this is a concept I teach my kids. So although I am in a male/female relationship I always check the response to the profile question that asked if the candide was willing to be an au pair for a same sex couple. I do realize that it is possible be both open minded and not want to live in a same sex couple home for some unique reason but as a way to maximize my time in interviews I personally used this answer as a screening tool to get to the best match for my family as quickly as possible.
3. Don't be afraid of rematch
Rematch happens when an au pair “in country” and a family have decided to go separate ways. This can happen for so many reasons, some more innocent than others. There are lots of great candidates (and some not so great candidates) in the rematch pool. If you need an au pair quickly then a rematch is a great place to look as these au pairs will be available to travel sooner than someone who is abroad. An agency typically completes paperwork regarding the rematch so you can understand what happened. We found our first au pair in rematch (hi Yesica!) and I was even able to speak to the au pairs first host mom. I heard both sides of the situation from the candidate and the family, and determined that what did not work for the first family was actually a positive for the needs of my own family. The first host mom told me that her two older boys did not like the au pair following them around and telling them to be careful. I on the other hand had a 4 and 2 year old and that is EXACTLY what I needed. Read between the lines here as well to determine if the rematch happened because of a family issue, a candidate issue or was it simply a bad match? What works for one family may not work for another - so don't rule out the possibility that your perfect au pair is struggling in a different home waiting to meet you!
4. Present your job honestly and don't try to sugar coat or bribe a girl to take your position
This can be tough. Inevitably as rejection begins to pile up you start to think less about who is perfect for your family and more about just “getting someone… anyone!” You may be tempted to start highlighting things like your vacation home or the kind of car your au pair will be driving. I would encourage you not to do this. Similar to sussing out a girl's motivation this type of enticement only leads to attracting candidates for the wrong reason. I actually think that while it may make the search process longer, sharing all the warts and challenges of your job can lead to a more successful match. Showing all of your flaws up front lets a girl really understand what she will be walking into… and if she still wants the job then GREAT! I think you should also highlight the positives that your family brings to the program that are non material. Example: My kids will be loud in the morning but I will teach them to respect your space or We have three kids but also a home filled with joy and music and time spent together and we will include you!
5. Consider the candidates priorities and what may be going on on her end.
Girls are talking to multiple families and are sorting through profiles so response times can be varied. That being said, in my experience when a candidate is excited about my profile she always responds quickly. When a girl says “sorry I didn't respond faster, i was traveling!” She may have been traveling… ooooooor she was about to match with a family and now the match has fallen through and she is reaching out to you. At the beginning of our au pair journey I used to become incredibly frustrated… and wonder how long to wait for a reply. Now I know my limits and I just see it for what it is. Similar to dating, you have to decide what you are willing to put up with and what you expect from your candidates and then hold your search process to that standard. My approach is to give each girl a certain number of days (about 3) and then cut them loose and move on to find the person that REALLY wants to come to my house. If I am feeling strung along…. I tend to move on. You may and should have your own approach and style but consider what is going on from the au pair candidates perspective. How she behaves tells you something about her honesty and communication and personality as well.
Frustration Is Normal
Once you get started searching for an au pair you will likely find yourself frustrated often and that is completely normal. I cannot begin to count the times I have said “I CAN'T DO IT!!” to which my husband responds, “you HAVE to do it.” Similar to dating, you may have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince/ss. There is not just one right person out there for your family but each au pair brings something unique and special to the arrangement. I am currently the beneficiary of a French au pair who makes wonderful crepes and who has inspired my three year old to learn French (Thanks Lucie). These details however were completely unexpected as our match was based on who she is as a person, her ability to fit into our home, and her ability to provide great care! The search process can at times feel like a full time job. The challenges of the process fade quickly when you find the right person to live in your home and care for your kids. When you feel great about your selection it is completely worth it.
Want to get started? Check out the agency I use HERE, its one of the largest.
